Hey Mom, It's Me

 

I'm a stubbornly independent woman who has a really hard time swallowing my pride. I don't admit that often but, for some reason it feels ok right now admitting that. 

I, like many others, are feeling the soul crushing weight of the world right now and often feel like I'm about to drown in quicksand.  To be totally honest, I've hit my max for adulting at the moment.  I'm done holding it together for my class, my kids and myself.  (Don't worry, I'm not actually throwing in the towel but am definitely emotionally "over it."). 

I'm tired of masks, I'm tired of having to put my best foot forward when I feel like I'm defending myself from all sides. I'm tired of having to protect my kids at every turn because the world is so cruel and unsafe right now that I feel like I can't let my guard down, like ever. 

Honestly, right now-I really just need my mom. I called her this weekend. On Halloween actually and asked to meet for coffee. I planned to pick her up and go through a drive thru and just head home so I could resume the chaos of the day. Instead I started chatting and telling her how I was feeling. Next thing I knew I was pulling over, crying and pouring my soul out to her.  The one person you can always (and I mean always) pour your soul out to is your mom.  Trust me as a mom, I would be honored if my kids came to me for the rest of their lives.  

Needless to say, she listened, validated me and made me feel like I can tackle this work once again.  You'll never have a bigger or more faithful cheerleader than your mom.  By the end of the conversation I heard everything I needed to hear. I can do this, I will be ok and my kids are going to be fine.  

I realize that not everyone has a mom who is able to hear your soul pouring (both physically or emotionally) but you've got to find your person. The one who you can call any time and cry, scream, laugh or just vent too.  The one who will hug you while your mascara runs down your face and you look like Sasquatch because you haven't brushed your hair in days.  We all need that person.  

There are periods of time in my life where that person definitely didn't exist for me.  After looking. back I realize that I also wasn't being that person for someone else during those times.  I guess it proves the "you get what you put in theory."  You want to have "that person," then you have also got to be "that person" for someone else.  

Unless you've been literally living under a rock, you're well aware of the stress and anxiety that is present in our country right now.  We never really know what's going on in someones lives and we really do have the power to make or break someones day by our (sometimes) small actions. Right now when I'm out in the world I'm taking deep breaths and holding it together (sometimes barely) and putting on the best fake smile I can muster.  I am sure that there are many more out there just like me.  

If you have a mom you can pour your soul out to, call her.  If you have a tribe you can pour your soul out to, call them. If you need a person, reach out to who you know, send me a message or connect with your local church for support. It's ok to let your guard down and reach out for help.  Someday, someone is going to need you too.  

Love,

McKenzie

If you are ever wondering if you matter-know that you do. If you need some reassurance please contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.